Blood, sweat and tears

In just 2 months, I have pumped and stored this much breast milk. I didn't realize how massive my stash was until I saw this picture.  Absolutely crazy  and amazing!

I believe my obsession started all because of my breastfeeding experience with Joshua.  I had originally plan to exclusively nurse the first 3 months with him, however, after a few days, I had to switch over to bottle feeding.  At just 3 days old, Josh was taken to the ER due to an insanely high fever. He was admitted to the NICU, where he stayed for 3 days because he had to be on a 48 hr antibiotic.
My milk was just starting to come in and he wasn't eating as well as I hoped, so I nursed, pumped and supplemented with formula. He developed nipple confusion then and when he came home from the hospital, I started my pumping journey.

I pumped as much as I could the first few months; fed him what he needed and froze the rest.  I built quite a stash, however, I soon found out that the "big" stash I had was not going to be enough for him.  Pumping took its toll on me. I grew tired being at the pump constantly and began pumping less.  My supply decreased slowly and by, I believe 5 months, I tapped into my frozen supply and before I knew it, I had used up almost all of what I had saved.  Panicked, I started eating oatmeal and taking fenugreek pills hoping to increase my supply, but there was no change.  I soon began mixing half breast milk and formula and by 7 1/2 months, Josh was completely on formula. It was devastating. My goal was to breastfeed at least up to a year and I felt like a total failure when Josh was switched to formula.  As sad as it was for me to end my bfing journey, I also looked at all the things I did leading up to that point. I deserved a huge pat on the back.
What I told myself, "You pumped for this long and you didn't give up. Even when your supply was dwindling, you still sat at that pump, pumping whatever you could for your baby until nothing was left (my supply just kept decreasing until there was nothing left to pump). That's something to be proud of." 

This time around, I figured I'd start pumping as soon as possible so I wouldn't have to supplement should my supply decrease for whatever reason.  I did not want to go through the same thing as I went through with Josh. I wanted to make sure that Owen would be on breast milk for as long as possible.... a full year! I knew that this time around, I was going to nurse, nurse and nurse as much as possible.  By the end of the 2nd day, my milk came in. I soon began pumping, maybe a week after Owen was born. Little by little, my stash grew. As you can see, I was obviously dedicated. lol.  The picture above was taken on Sunday. That is over 1,000 oz of milk and I have no more space in my deep freezer. All that is in there are those little bags. Over 350 of them!  I have decreased my supply for the sake of not having to sit at the pump all day long.  I've gone down to the point of only needing to pump for relief. I freeze whatever I get out of those pumping sessions and have been storing them in my kitchen freezer, which also has no space since we're using it to store our frozen food items.

Due to my desperate need for more freezer space, I made the decision to donate some of my older supply to make room for the new ones. If someone were to ask me to do that a few weeks ago, I would've told them that they were crazy.  I put my blood, sweat and tear into building my frozen supply! Donating my breast milk was the furthest thing from my mind. All I was thinking about was, I gotta keep freezing for that 'what if' day. This weekend, I came to a realization that I am now at a point where I am confident enough in my supply to let some of it go. All 337.5 oz of it! That amount equals 2 of my trays, which is being split up and given to two local moms. I met one mother last night along with her 15 month old twins.  A wonderful feeling and experience it was.  I meet the second mom this Friday evening. She's expecting her little one in a couple of weeks and is unable to breastfeed.  I'm so happy to be able to give her what I can to help her baby grow. She's actually getting the first of my pumped batch, which will be perfect for this newborn.

I'm hoping to donate again when the time comes!